my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize