That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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