Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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