I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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