It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
