It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Who put my cat in the fridge?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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