i think my mom watched the whole time
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
he high fived his dick after we had sex
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
