your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize