you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
