it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
