this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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