Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
