just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We got so high we made milksteak
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize