Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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