I just saw a hot homeless man
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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