you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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