me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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