hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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