Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize