she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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