Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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