Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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