worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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