I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you didnt know i had herpes?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
