So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
