i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
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