omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize