it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
