Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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