Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
