Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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