Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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