it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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