i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
