I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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