I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
