eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
