If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize