I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize