Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
