i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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