i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
