spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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