he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
