yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Farmville is her only friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
