i was born a porn star she said
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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