Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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