It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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