it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize