god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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