I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
