I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how can u be prego again
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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