glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
