be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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