we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
