how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
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