apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
