No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
