I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
