i think i have two assholes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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