i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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