Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
