she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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