Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
