but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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