Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
