my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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