Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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