i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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