You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
