True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was like eating out sand paper
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
